Not many of us are fortunate enough to say we have never experienced a broken heart, and to have your heart broken by someone that you have shared so much with and invested a great bit of yourself in can generate a radiating pain that floods your soul and washes over your entire being.
A break-up can be a like a rough wave that takes you off your feet when you least expect it. It causes you to land full force on your chest drowning your ability to rationalize, to feel, to breathe. It leaves you feeling disoriented, out of control, and frightened.
You’ve heard the term “broken heart”, but what does that really entail? What goes on beneath the surface of your brain is astounding. Let’s dive into the psychological effects of a break-up.
If you’ve ever been dumped you probably experienced the following reactions:
- Shock and Confusion
- Denial
- Guilt
- Grief and Sadness
- Anger
All of these are completely normal and may come in different order than listed above. However, did you realize that these were your body’s way of protecting you? Your brain operates by producing neurotransmitters.
These are basically the emotional plugs that keep your brain a float. These chemicals aid in the function of all your body parts as well as the sometimes seemingly over active emotions you experience on a daily basis.
When you here those words “We need to talk” a tidal surge of norepinephrine rushes from a part of your brain called the amygdala making you more alert, causing your palms to sweat a little, and your heart to beat harder. When he continues to say “It’s not working out” or “Let’s just be friends” that surge happens again.
You go into a sort of panic mode. Your brain reacts as if your body is about to experience some great trauma so it releases adrenaline causing you to either freeze, start crying, hyperventilating, or even shaking.
You cry yourself to sleep that night only to wake up the next morning feeling shipwrecked and abandoned. You recount those final words, and try to rationalize what happened. You remember every detail about your relationship and inspect each area closely.
You think of things you could have done, and feel guilty for not doing them. You ponder the many different ways you could reconcile what is lost, and all of this leads to an overwhelming sadness. This is caused by the levels of serotonin in your brain decreasing to lower than normal, causing you to feel depressed and hopeless. So go ahead and cry, this actually helps boost those levels of serotonin making you feel better.
At some point during this process you will feel anger. For some it comes early and others it is a delayed response. This emotion is due to the neurotransmitters known as catecholamines released in your brain.
At the thought of him with another girl, certain words he may have said, or just the situation in general, this chemical causes you to get a burst of energy that makes your heart beat faster, your blood pressure to rise, and your rate of breathing to increase.
There is no right or wrong way for your body to react to this despair. When I was last dumped in 2007, I did not see it coming. How can a guy tell you that he loves you one day then take it back the next? How can he tell you that you are the most beautiful girl in the world then turn around and tell you that he no longer finds you attractive? How can he tell you that every endearment he had shared with you was all a mistake? I could not understand why my ex would tell me any of these things.
Thankfully, I had a best friend who was up late that night when I called her. I rushed over to her house where she then took me down to the 24-hour Walgreens, bought me a chocolate milk, some crayons, and a couple of Disney Princess coloring books. She took me back home, and we colored into the wee hours of the morning.
While your brain takes care of your body, you need to take care of your heart.
Here are some things you can do to help yourself through this grueling process:
Do not isolate yourself
Surround yourself with people that will lift you up in your time of distress. Go out and have fun. Make new memories to replace the old ones.
Establish a routine
If you don’t already have a specific routine you go by everyday, start one. At least have a couple of things to do. Start a new hobby, or pick up an old one. This will help you fill up the time that you would have been spending with Mr. What’s his face.
Give yourself a week
Give yourself a week to mourn this loss in your life. You may think at first you can’t live without him, but the reality is YOU WILL LIVE! You won’t get over this in a week, but at least do the hard core crying, yelling, and pillow punching within the first seven days. The next seven days will be challenging, but not as bad as the first week.
Doing what is listed above will release endorphins in your brain creating a sensation of peace and happiness.
Your brain is a fascinating creation designed to release chemicals to protect you in traumatic experiences, even in break-ups. Your brain knows that you physically cannot handle going from being in a committed relationship to being dumped without a grieving process.
The emotions you experience act as a cushion to help you through this process, and additional outside assistance can help guide to smooth sailing. It is important to not let bitterness arise over the horizon. It along with resentment and even spite will surely rear their ugly heads, but these are feelings that you do not want to be involved with.
They’re stormy waters that will toss you all about without any rest. Forgive him for all the hurt he has caused you. No one is perfect, and he failed in a certain area just like you may fail in another.
Pain is inevitable and unavoidable. It is like sand that gets caught in your shoe, irritating. But what happens when sand gets caught in an oyster? It makes a pearl. Going through a break-up is an irritating circumstance that gives you rarity and a beauty that you could not have achieved without the pain.
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